I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
