I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
