I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize