So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
