some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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