I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
