well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize