I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
