You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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