Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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