The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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