I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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