I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i barfeds in our rink
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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