I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
