glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
