I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
