Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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