woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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