The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
