a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
