she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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