So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
