So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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