Capitaan dildo arrescate!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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