I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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