remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
