Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
