the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
