I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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