At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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