so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
