If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
