New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
