The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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