The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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