she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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