i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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