From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
