I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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