Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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