My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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