lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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