the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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