The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
