Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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