You smell like a Billy Joel song
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
