R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
