Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
