Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
