i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
