k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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