I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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