my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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