Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she looked like the before picture.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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