When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
