how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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