At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
