Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize