How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
