so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
